Problems that we don't have in Utah and Idaho.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another exciting episode of Problems that we don't have in Utah and Idaho! Tonight's episode brought to you by:

Freaking giant goshdarn killer Mediterranean octopuses!!

As some of you know I've been hanging out lately with a group of hippie kids that I met at an environmentalist activity. They're so freaking funny. We spend a lot of time going to different beautiful beaches around this region.
Yesterday we went to a beach called Cozze. Beautiful green clear water, the perfect temperature, sunshine, crabs and fish all over the place. It was fantastic.
The people of Puglia live from the sea. They seriously eat SO MUCH seafood. Sea urchins, clams, crab, fish, octopus, squid, these are all essential elements of a typical meal here. Obviously, someone has to provide for this huge demand of seafood. Here I arrive to my main point: in the past two weeks, I've met not one, but two professional octopus hunters.
Now, when I said the word Octopus Hunter, what image came to mind? Was it a tall, buff, tanned guy with long epic viking hair and arms covered in gnarly scars from battling octopuses? If so, then you're exactly right! As we swam around in the beautiful water of Cozze beach, this guy was telling me all about hunting octopuses. He showed me a picture of him holding an octopus he caught this year, that weighed 15 kilos (33 pounds).
Now, I want you to stand up and make a circle with your arms, as if you're hugging a fat man. Now imagine that your arms are around the head of the octopus, and its tentacles hang down to the floor. That's the kind of beast we're talking about. The freaking Kraken. That was the picture he showed me.
He said that he dives down to the octopus' caves to hunt them, which weren't far from where we were swimming. He says that the octopuses are typically not aggressive in open water, but that if you go into their caves and provoke or threaten them, they'll defend themselves. While holding his breath, he has to dive down, identify the octopus through its camouflage, and then, as he casually put it, "get ahold of it without letting it get ahold of me." He says the real danger is when the octopus uses its hind four tentacles to grip the wall of the cave, and the front four tentacles to wrap around your arm or leg. They're freakishly strong and impossible to break free from once they grab you, and you can only use a knife to cut at their tentacles. He says that if they grab you, and you don't have a knife, you will absolutely drown, no doubt about it.
He also showed me a freaking hole in his arm from where an octopus bit him with its freaking parrot-like beak. He says it bled and bled and bled.
So think about that the next time you're eating a hamburger harvested from a docile, chill, stupid cow. Yeah.